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The Giving Moments of my Mothering Journey
Short Stories to Inspire
I breastfed for 6 years. It was such a huge part of my mothering life, and now it's coming to a close. As some of you may know, breastfeeding was originally why I coined myself "TheGivingMom"; every time I nursed while pregnant, and then when Lilith was born and we tandem nursed, I could see myself as that tree, giving so much of myself and not even giving pause to consider whether it was best for me, only knowing that it was their happiness I hoped to quench. I'm grateful now to have my body back, but a bit like the tree, I wonder what I have left to give. I mean obviously I still have so much to give, but it's been such a strange feeling.... To have them be so much more independent of me.
My son continued to ask on and off until he was 5, and I'm sure mostly because his sister who is 2 years younger was also nursing all the time. But they are very different Little Oms, and I was a bit shocked to notice Lilith self weaning before she turned 4. Shocked and grateful, that is. But every time I start to think that we are done, she will ask one more time. It's been one of those long pauses, but the day my parents left, around the middle of the day, she came right up to me and asked if we could nurse. I reminded her that all my milk is gone now and asked if she was certain she wanted to nurse still and she grinned sleepily and said "It's ok!! Can we still nurse, please?" so I decided yes, she was being so sweet, I told her we would have to lay down; I watched her little eyes flutter the way they used to every day while nursing, and she slowly drifted off to sleep. I kissed her. She is so big but she is still so tiny. I think to myself about my yoga practice, about how we are both slowing down and regressing a little so we can heal and strengthen our bodies and move forward even more powerfully than before. Life is truly all a dance, sometimes we are taking the lead and sometimes we are following, it can feel like we are moving backward, even if in the same steps as before. The actuality is, we are circling and cycling and always blooming outward. When I mother my Little Oms with patience, it reminds me to mother myself with the same.
"Can I tell her what kind of kid I am?" Jude whispered in my ear at the yoga studio. I smiled knowing the sweet older lady at the desk would truly appreciate what was about to come next. "Yes, go ahead, you can tell her what kind of kid you are." Jude is so proud he is beaming as he says "I am a fighting nightmare kid." He pauses and waits for her approval, she's nodding her understanding, I'm brushing his hair out of his face and thinking how blessed my life is, and he continues "Yeah, when I go to sleep at night, I have a magical bracelet, I just press the button and I go through a special portal so I can get to the boss-level nightmares, and when I defeat them, I get to give good dreams to the world." My heart runneth over. I am now beaming and I can see this woman has never heard a child say he seeks out nightmares before. Especially for the opportunity to share good dreams the world over.
She smiles warmly and tells him, "I think that is so wonderful, it sounds like you are not only a nightmare fighting kid, but also a dream-giver kid! Our world really needs more of those!" Jude smiles "yeah, I knew that, that's why I became one. I know everyone needs good dreams. That's why my master taught me to fight these nightmares." "Can I show her all my yoga, too?" He looks over at me again. "Yes! Please show her your yoga!" I cannot even believe my ears and eyes at this point. Both of my sweet babies are in front of me, climbing onto the guest couch, getting cross legged, and yes.... Now their tiny fingers are in gyan mudra. I am melting into a puddle of love, the woman is LOVING my little yogis and I am bursting at the seams with pride. Now they are done meditating and begin to flow, down dog, up dog, bow pose, tree pose, warrior 2. She is laughing with pure joy watching them go, she is quite impressed and tells me how much the teacher of the kids yoga class would love to see them in her room on Mondays.
I tell her that we will definitely be coming back. And it was that moment when the acupuncturist came and brought us into the clinic, and my yogis did their very best to sit quietly while I had needles poked in my body.
4 years ago, I gave birth to this sweet Little Om at home. She was 1 day away from being 42 weeks, and I was a bit terrified she would stay in past 42 and I would have to change my birth plan. (It was illegal in Alaska to have a home birth after 42 weeks) As it turned out, she was just waiting for August (maybe she heard it was World Breastfeeding Week😂😍). On the night of the 31st, I went into labor, filled up my birthing tub, and turned on my hypnobirthing CD. I was so grateful after my sons labor where every contraction seemed to be toppling over the last, my second birth was so much smoother and calmer and easier, I had a full 2 minutes between each contraction where I felt completely normal, each contraction came just like a wave, washing over me, connecting me with her. My husband had laid our son down for bed, and I was grateful to meditate and be (slightly) alone- my labor was only 2 and a half hours, I must have started to get vocal enough that my midwife figured I was ready. I remember right before midnight my midwife asked me if I wanted her to get my husband, she had me get out so we could check and see if it was time. I was amazed and quite honestly, shocked that I was at 8cm already and felt like .... Felt nothing like the labor with my son. I felt so in control! I walked into our bedroom and told my husband it was time, he came out with me and we climbed in the tub and he sat behind me and held my legs. The change in position was just what my body needed, I was able to start pushing very shortly after that, it was just after midnight and I had the honor of reaching down and helping deliver her. I still remember lifting her tiny body onto my chest and just feeling..... So much love. She is the daughter I always dreamed of.
Wrapped in #HadaraLotus from @CassiopeWoven 🎁🎂Happy Birthday to my little girl 🎂🎁 Happiest World Breastfeeding Week to all of you!
"My loves, there is something you must know. We are sentient beings.
All of us, on this planet. Every single living thing here FEELS life in a different way. Feels pain in a different way. A "sentient being" is perceptive, sensitive, responsive, conscious, and therefore able to feel and to suffer. We are humans, you and I, and your sister and Daddy, but really, we are just animals.... But we have evolved a way of thinking about the world in a different way than most species. Some creatures live only to consume, kill or be killed, eat or be eaten. But some animals, like us, we have evolved a conscience.
This consciousness, this gives us the ability to be aware of the things we do. We *need* to be aware in all senses. We have to ask ourselves, "Why we do what we do? Why do we act the way we act? Why do we want to make our friends and loved ones happy? How do we help them obtain that happiness? What power do we hold over that creature or person?"
With that power comes the responsibility to be kind, to be conscious, to know that we could cause pain, and then to choose not to hurt them, because it is the right thing to do. Because you would want someone else to have the same compassion for you. We must be conscious of our actions. "
🍂 S u r r e n d e r 🍃
Today my son, Jude, was looking for a specific game and asked me for help. I started searching with him and after looking for about 5-10 minutes, I heard him say "It's ok mom, you can take a break from looking. We have been looking for a long time and you can just take a break, I will just tell Papa that I can't find it right now and won't be able to show him. It's ok though." It was an exciting moment for me as a mama, hearing him let go of the expectation of finding his game; even being at peace with the idea that it was lost. When he reflects back to me lessons of surrender and acceptance I am left in awe of his maturity.
He reminded me of what Eckhart Tolle says "Always say “yes” to the present moment. What could be more futile, more insane, than to create inner resistance to what already is? what could be more insane than to oppose life itself, which is now and always now? Surrender to what is. Say “yes” to life — and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you." Right as he was surrendering, the universe aligned; my hand touched the right box. I found his game ✨ I leaned down and hugged him tight and told him how proud I was to hear him be ok with how things are in this moment, how inspired I was by his peaceful heart center; and then I happily admitted that I had just found his game so he didn't have to go tell Papa all of that. His sweet little face lit up so bright; I felt I would burst. He is such an inspiring person. I love my Little Oms.
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